Small Picture

One year. Im spending a whole year in one place, thats hard to put my head around.... My friend Gail laughed when I told her that Im staying here that long, she said that I would never make it. She gave me a couple months at best.
Some days I have a strong desire to return to California, but I really dont know why - I like it here way more. Maybe its not a desire to return to California, but a desire for whats next.

I was watching the latest episode of The Office last night, and half way through I started thinking about the next episode, and if it was out yet... I actually paused the show and checked to see if I could find the next one - before I had even finished the first.
I think thats a good analogy for how I think, I want whats next before Im through with what Im doing currently. My friend Chet once told me "when your here [Ecuador] - be all here." Im really bad at that.
Whats funny is that Im truly living my dream right now, today I met up with my friend Wendy, we met months ago in Thailand and again in Laos, and then completely randomly bumped into eachother in Cambodia. She lives in the north of Holland and was visiting Amsterdam today. We got coffee and caught up, then I walked her to the train station and saw her off. Im doing what I dreamed of before I left home, and what I longed for when I was travel-sick in China. Living somewhere, having a broad group of friends, working a job, having house-mates. This is literally a dream of mine coming true, and it has been preceded by 6 months of vagabonding around the world with no plans and nothing tying me down. I should be so content and stoked for every new moment!
I guess its just feeling the constriction of real life after a extended break from real life. I dont want to travel forever, I learned that. I just want to be able to drop all and go at any time. Even if I dont want to drop all and go, I want to be free too.
Is that selfish? Is it unreasonable? Is it impossible to live life that way?

I think if I was to come to Amsterdam open ended, and work here month by month - I might just stay forever. But the idea of having to stay, having agreed to stay, is making me feel trapped - and therefore I just want to get away!

I find no fault with this place, with the work Im doing. No I love it! But what hurts is not having freedom.
Small freedoms are no problem, having dinner at set times, and a schedule of when to work. I love that, I need that. But the big ones, the long term contracts... Thats where I have a hard time.
At my internship at Cypress Church, I didnt mind working from 12-5 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and from 7-12 on Sundays. That was fine. But the fact that I couldnt leave and pursue something else for a two year block - thats what made it so hard...

I have had 14 jobs in the last 7 years, I worked for a while, and when I figured it out, when it lost its challenge and mystery, I quit and found a new job. When the country of Laos lost its mystery in my mind, I moved on to China. When changing cities every two days lost its appeal, I settled down in Thailand for 3 months.
I dont have that option here, a weekend trip, or even the ten day trip Im going on in July doesnt give me the freedom I crave. I know I have to be back at a set time, and that thought will haunt me the whole time.

Is this something to change? To work on and block out?
Or is this something to embrace.

For now though, I live in Amsterdam! Its amazing. I love my work, I look forward to each shift. I love the people I live and work with, and I love this country. I guess I just need to look at the small picture - take it a day at a time. Be all here.

Queen's Day - Amsterdam 2011

Queensday is the annual celebration of the queens birthday here in The Netherlands. The hostel has been fully booked for weeks, and all the Dutchies talk about it with awe. The cafe was scheduled to be shut down, and the person in charge of scheduling made sure that everyone had at least one block of time to go out and enjoy the festivities.
I worked the sleeper shift on queens night, the night before queens night. The night started off pretty normal, there where more drunk people than usual and everyone was wearing orange.
I went out with a couple of guests at 2am to Niewmarkt square, right next to the hostel, and was amazed at the insanity... The streets where piled high with empty bottles and cans of all kind of beverages, from absinthe to Hieneken, no joke - it made the streets in Mumbai look clean in comparison.
The bars here all have a deal running where you can save up the plastic cups that your beer comes in and at the end of the night cash in the cups and get a euro for each one, a couple of us exploited this deal, and collected cups all night, when people get drunk they forget about this fantastic money saving opportunity and the cups litter the ground like popcorn on the floor of a movie theater.
While I was digging through a trash pile for cups, I heard "hey your the guy from the hostel!" A group of girls from Finland came over and we began to chat, they where really drunk and only wanted to make out. I talked for a minute, then one of them dumped a glass of beer over another ones head, and they all began crying. I excused myself and returned to collecting cups.

I periodicly checked into the hostel to drop off my ever growing cup stash, and make sure Heibert wasnt getting overwhelmed at reception.
Then about 3:30am it happened. I bumped into one of the Finish girls who was starting to get worried about her friend, the really drunk one. She had disapeared. An over dramatic yet fun man woman hunt began, and we searched the city like TSA dogs searching for an ounce of weed.
We decided to call it a night around 4, and hope that our drunk friend made it back alright, when Matt made a joke and pointed to a random person and said "HEY THATS HER!" we all looked and it actually was, Matt was more surprised than anyone, and we swore not to tell the others that he was joking.
The friends where re-united, and it was beautiful. We all shared a group hug, and the girls started crying again and babeling in Finnish, so I went inside and cleaned the bathrooms.

I got up this afternoon and went out once more for cups, I wandered around more and saw lots of people who had been out since the night before. The police just kind of step back for a few days, and Amsterdam turns into a wild west "anything goes" place. The drug dealers go from conspicous to REALLY conspicuous, and the uninforced "no marijuana in certain public areas" rule disappears all together. I watched a young kid on a bad acid trip literaly try to eat his own arm while his girlfriend held him and cried because she couldnt do anything. The streets are full of people walking around with nitrous oxide canisters offering a balloon full for 4 euros (thats the happy gas they give you at the dentist) the streets flow like rivers with a mixture of piss, vomit and beer. Dubstep and house music is blaring from all angles at all hours, and nobody rides bikes anymore, half because of the broken glass covering every surface, and half because its impossible with all the people crowding the streets.
I saw 4 police officers the whole time.
The canals are jam packed with boats full of drunk people wearing orange and dancing, and the redlight district is surprisingly empty...

Insanity

After my walk, I cashed in my cups and ended up with about 50 euros! I then began my evening reception shift. In the first 60 minutes, I had grabbed a drunk guy who wasn't staying at the hostel and dragged him out of one of the girls dorms, chased a guy upstairs after telling him he couldn't go upstairs, forcefully removed his beer from his hand and threw him out the front door, and broken up a party on the steps of the hostel that was blocking guests from coming in.
The rest of my shift was pretty quiet, then I walked home a little after midnight and took in the carnage. The streets are pretty much abandoned, save a few die hards still trying to find a party. The wind has blown the bottles and cans into snow-drift like piles, and leftover items that people didnt sell on the street are piled everywhere. Tons of clothes, toys and everything else left in heaps. cars drive slow and you constantly hear the popping when a car hits a beer bottle on the road. On my ten minute walk home, I counted numerous syringes, barbie dolls, books, glass beer mugs, refrigerators laying on the sidewalk and more empty cigarette boxes than you can imagine. The evidence of car crashes is everywhere, bent poles on the side of the road and shattered tail light remnants.

Its going to take a few days for this city to recover...

Niewmarkt Square