One year. Im spending a whole year in one place, thats hard to put my head around.... My friend Gail laughed when I told her that Im staying here that long, she said that I would never make it. She gave me a couple months at best.
Some days I have a strong desire to return to California, but I really dont know why - I like it here way more. Maybe its not a desire to return to California, but a desire for whats next.
I was watching the latest episode of The Office last night, and half way through I started thinking about the next episode, and if it was out yet... I actually paused the show and checked to see if I could find the next one - before I had even finished the first.
I think thats a good analogy for how I think, I want whats next before Im through with what Im doing currently. My friend Chet once told me "when your here [Ecuador] - be all here." Im really bad at that.
Whats funny is that Im truly living my dream right now, today I met up with my friend Wendy, we met months ago in Thailand and again in Laos, and then completely randomly bumped into eachother in Cambodia. She lives in the north of Holland and was visiting Amsterdam today. We got coffee and caught up, then I walked her to the train station and saw her off. Im doing what I dreamed of before I left home, and what I longed for when I was travel-sick in China. Living somewhere, having a broad group of friends, working a job, having house-mates. This is literally a dream of mine coming true, and it has been preceded by 6 months of vagabonding around the world with no plans and nothing tying me down. I should be so content and stoked for every new moment!
I guess its just feeling the constriction of real life after a extended break from real life. I dont want to travel forever, I learned that. I just want to be able to drop all and go at any time. Even if I dont want to drop all and go, I want to be free too.
Is that selfish? Is it unreasonable? Is it impossible to live life that way?
I think if I was to come to Amsterdam open ended, and work here month by month - I might just stay forever. But the idea of having to stay, having agreed to stay, is making me feel trapped - and therefore I just want to get away!
I find no fault with this place, with the work Im doing. No I love it! But what hurts is not having freedom.
Small freedoms are no problem, having dinner at set times, and a schedule of when to work. I love that, I need that. But the big ones, the long term contracts... Thats where I have a hard time.
At my internship at Cypress Church, I didnt mind working from 12-5 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and from 7-12 on Sundays. That was fine. But the fact that I couldnt leave and pursue something else for a two year block - thats what made it so hard...
I have had 14 jobs in the last 7 years, I worked for a while, and when I figured it out, when it lost its challenge and mystery, I quit and found a new job. When the country of Laos lost its mystery in my mind, I moved on to China. When changing cities every two days lost its appeal, I settled down in Thailand for 3 months.
I dont have that option here, a weekend trip, or even the ten day trip Im going on in July doesnt give me the freedom I crave. I know I have to be back at a set time, and that thought will haunt me the whole time.
Is this something to change? To work on and block out?
Or is this something to embrace.
For now though, I live in Amsterdam! Its amazing. I love my work, I look forward to each shift. I love the people I live and work with, and I love this country. I guess I just need to look at the small picture - take it a day at a time. Be all here.
Some days I have a strong desire to return to California, but I really dont know why - I like it here way more. Maybe its not a desire to return to California, but a desire for whats next.
I think thats a good analogy for how I think, I want whats next before Im through with what Im doing currently. My friend Chet once told me "when your here [Ecuador] - be all here." Im really bad at that.
Whats funny is that Im truly living my dream right now, today I met up with my friend Wendy, we met months ago in Thailand and again in Laos, and then completely randomly bumped into eachother in Cambodia. She lives in the north of Holland and was visiting Amsterdam today. We got coffee and caught up, then I walked her to the train station and saw her off. Im doing what I dreamed of before I left home, and what I longed for when I was travel-sick in China. Living somewhere, having a broad group of friends, working a job, having house-mates. This is literally a dream of mine coming true, and it has been preceded by 6 months of vagabonding around the world with no plans and nothing tying me down. I should be so content and stoked for every new moment!
I guess its just feeling the constriction of real life after a extended break from real life. I dont want to travel forever, I learned that. I just want to be able to drop all and go at any time. Even if I dont want to drop all and go, I want to be free too.
Is that selfish? Is it unreasonable? Is it impossible to live life that way?
I think if I was to come to Amsterdam open ended, and work here month by month - I might just stay forever. But the idea of having to stay, having agreed to stay, is making me feel trapped - and therefore I just want to get away!
I find no fault with this place, with the work Im doing. No I love it! But what hurts is not having freedom.
Small freedoms are no problem, having dinner at set times, and a schedule of when to work. I love that, I need that. But the big ones, the long term contracts... Thats where I have a hard time.
At my internship at Cypress Church, I didnt mind working from 12-5 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and from 7-12 on Sundays. That was fine. But the fact that I couldnt leave and pursue something else for a two year block - thats what made it so hard...
I have had 14 jobs in the last 7 years, I worked for a while, and when I figured it out, when it lost its challenge and mystery, I quit and found a new job. When the country of Laos lost its mystery in my mind, I moved on to China. When changing cities every two days lost its appeal, I settled down in Thailand for 3 months.
I dont have that option here, a weekend trip, or even the ten day trip Im going on in July doesnt give me the freedom I crave. I know I have to be back at a set time, and that thought will haunt me the whole time.
Is this something to change? To work on and block out?
Or is this something to embrace.
For now though, I live in Amsterdam! Its amazing. I love my work, I look forward to each shift. I love the people I live and work with, and I love this country. I guess I just need to look at the small picture - take it a day at a time. Be all here.
Taylor, I love to read your blog and your thoughts. You're a great writer. Keep it going! :)
ReplyDeleteI love you and your honesty!!
ReplyDelete"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind."
ReplyDeleteEcclesiastes 2:24-26
First thing I thought of when I read this. Keep on keepin on.
What you say about always looking for the next thing. I can COMPLETELY identify with. I am only here for 12 months and I am already thinking about what is coming next when I go back to Australia! We need to learn how to live here and now : D
ReplyDelete